Thursday 26 January 2012

Session 40













Enough talk more funnies, enjoy...



SONG OF THE DAY
We thought a bit of Tom Waits would fit the bill. Enjoy the madness





PICS
If you can't see the image properly, hold Ctrl and click on it






































































































































































GIFS
If the GIF isn't moving, hold Ctrl and click on it





































































































































AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!












DON'T EVEN REPLY
Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist



Original ad: 
Need your lawn mowed? I own a Ride-on mower and offer professional mowing for an affordable price. Price is generally $30 per hour based on services. I offer discounts for larger plots of land. E-mail or call me to discuss. 


***************@gmail.com
(302)-***-****


From Me to ***************@gmail.com:

Hey,

My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.

From Me to Rob *****:

Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why do you need me to sign a waiver?

From Me to Rob *****:

The last couple of dumbass landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my ass so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.

From Me to Rob *****:

Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.

The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.

From Me to Rob *****:

Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.

From Me to Rob *****:

You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are the jackass for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.

From Me to Rob *****:

Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little bitch about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, suck it up and do your job.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Dear Mike,

Fuck you.

Rob




FACEBOOK
This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook
















GOLDMAN SACHS
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.



#1: "I bet Espo's wife is pretty hot." #2: (looks away). [Crowded elevator]

#1: [re janitor in elevator bank] Do u think he tells chicks he works at Goldman Sachs? #2: Of course, he doesn't just clean up at work.

MD: (on cell phone getting into elevator) "Fuck you." Hangs up. "Good Morning."

Suit#1: Who was that guy? Suit#2: He runs the SLC office. Suit#1: (Incredulously) We have an office there? What the hell for?

[Associate (#1) enters, recognizes a few classmates] #1: Doctor. #2: Doctor. #1: Doctor. #3. Doctor.

#1: "Have you seen ______'s analyst. She's only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot." #2: "Maybe 4."

Suit#1: "Was that really an earthquake?" Suit#2: "No, I just dropped my wallet."

Suit#1: "Nice suit." Suit#2: "Had it made on last trip to Hong Kong… Dressing British, thinking Yiddish."

(Palin blah blah Romney blah blah) #1: Cut Perry some slack. It's damn hard 2 pass any science class when u write 'God' for every answer.

Suit#1: "Irene f*cked up my weekend. Next available flight is in economy." Suit#2: "I would rather not fly."



PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK
Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...







FACIAL TATTOOS
These plums don't need facial tattoos to let us know they are social rejects and most probably criminals!



















VADA A BORDO, CAZZO
We have all seen the pussy captain of the Costa Concordia in the last week, and naturally there has been a great selection of piss takes that has followed. Here are some of the best.






































TIMELINES
Facebook has gone and changed it up again, and again everyone is bitchin about it. Below are some of the best out there. If you want to make your own you can click here to download the PSD file































FAIL
A short collection of FAILS from the week













COMIC STRIP










JOKES


Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn those guys have really good bus companies.



My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face.
"Cheer up," I said.
"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."
"You're fab," I said.
"Thanks," she said.
"You're mine," I said.
"I know silly!" she chuckled.
"I love you," I said.
"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"
"Marry me," I said.
She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"
"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.
"Fuck off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."



*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'
King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'


Rap is 75% Crap


Virgin Broadband
The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.      



Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song. One year more than the doctor who killed him.



I had no idea time zones were so far apart...
Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently.




VIDEOS





























  
KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON