Friday 24 February 2012

Session 44
















We're upping the count once again thanks to all you guys sending us shit in to use. We are now up to 70 images and 40 gifs a session.

Enjoy this weeks session, we have had dramas with Google once again but we've managed to keep ourselves up!! Cunts

Enjoy...





SONG OF THE DAY






PICS
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GIFS
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LIVING ALBUMS
Simple idea really, see an album and become it!





















AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!












DON'T EVEN REPLY
Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist



Original ad: 
I WANT YOUR COUCH
IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT. WILL TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN. PLEASE SEND PICTURES. THANKS


From Me to **********@*********.org:

Hi there! You can have my couch if you are still looking for one. Let me know! You can either e-mail me or call me.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

HI MIKE

I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
HOW BIG IS IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANY MORE?

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CANT CALL YOU.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people. I don't have any pictures because my camera is broken (I didn't realize it was in the garbage disposal when I turned on the switch.)

I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather it not be in my apartment anymore. Just give me a call and we can set up a time for you to come get it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can't really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

NO THANKS

From Me to Juan *********:

Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!

From Me to Juan *********:

Don't put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THAT COUCH IS FUCKED
THROW IT OUT!

From Me to Juan *********:

Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch? I'm sick of having to deal with people like you. I'm just trying to get rid of a decent couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

From Juan ********* to Me:

IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!!
DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A FUCKING GRILL

From Me to Juan *********:

Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then? It is a CharCooker 500 and has three burners. Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really well. I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

From Juan ********* to Me:

I DONT WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!!




FACEBOOK
This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook













GOLDMAN SACHS
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.


Suit#1: "Hong Kong was great, except for all the Chinese people."

#1 (on MD training): Instead of 'Leadership Skills,' they should just call it 'How to be a Cunt.'

#1: For a first year analyst, he's pretty good. #2: Yeah, has the confidence of a fat chick in a tube top.

#1 (on protesters): I was going to make a sign... Goldman Sachs: Win, cheat, or quit. We don't fucking lose - ever.

#1: Buy an Analyst a woman and you get him laid for a night. Teach an Analyst to womanize and you get him laid for a lifetime.

#1: I always stand further back from the urinal so people think my dick's bigger. #2: What happens if they look over. #1: They never look.

#1: We're going to Smith & Wolly's for dinner. #2: Can you steal me one of those jackets? #3: What the hell for? #2: Henley next summer.

#1: I hate to say it but people do look cooler when they're smoking a cigarette. #2: Totally agree.

#1: You see that insider trading story? #2: The most embarrassing thing is that he only made like $60k. #1: If you're gonna do it, DO it!

#1: VIX above 40. #2: #1: Whenever you think, 'I’ve done way riskier shit than this,' remember: Steve Irwin was killed by a fish.




PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK
Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...





DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS
We have all worked in an office where the manager has read just one too many Tony Robbins books and palsters all the walls with positive affirmations. Here's a big fuck you too all those people.



































BIZZARRE HYBRID ANIMALS
Tigers fucking lions, Camels fucking llamas, we have it all here and what happens nine months later...




Zebra + Any other Equine = Zebroid





Lion + Tiger = Liger






Bottlenose Dolphin + False Killer Whale = Wholphin




Grizzly Bear + Polar Bear = Grolar Bear





Domestic Cattle + American Bison = Beefalo




Sweval + Domestic Cat = Savannah





Male Donkey + Female Horse = Mule






Male Camel + Female Llama = Cama




Yak + Domestic Cattle = Dzo




Wolf + Dog = Wolfdog





FAIL
A short collection of FAILS from the week
















GOATS ARE STUPID ANIMALS
Enough said







































COMIC STRIP










































JOKES




I've applied for the England manager's job.

I know I won't get it, but it keeps the dole people off my back for another couple of weeks.


My mate made the mistake of applying for the Wolves job.

He's got to go for an interview on Monday.







I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.

I said, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?"

He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?"

"Yeah I am" I replied, "I just don't have any money."





"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."

"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."





A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.




Seeing Man Utd on Channel 5 is a bit like seeing my daughter in a porno.

I'm disappointed but I'll still watch it.





My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.







VIDEOS














































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