So it begins, poor old Pirate Bay :(
We're not on Virgin anyways mwahahaahaaa. Another great session lined up for you this week. Thanks again for all the folks out there who keep sending us cool shit to add each week.
Check out the funscienceshop, its got loads of cool shit for you and your kids, and we have been promised free handjobs by small Asian children if anybody buys through our link!
Our new website is coming on nicely, and by that we mean nowhere, just a beautiful white screen! I swear dreamweaver is broken, it is not doing what we tell it to do! Oh well, we'll figure it out and thanks for the messages offering to lend support in building this masterpiece, I'm sure we'll end up calling on you folks!
Anyways, lets get on with the show, enjoy....
SONG OF THE DAY
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AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!
OLD ADVERTS AIMED AT CHILDREN
Oh how times have changed. Here is a selection of adverts targeted towards children which wouldn't pass muster today
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!
OLD ADVERTS AIMED AT CHILDREN
Oh how times have changed. Here is a selection of adverts targeted towards children which wouldn't pass muster today
DON'T EVEN REPLY
Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist
Original ad:
I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!
From Me to ************@***********.org:
Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.
- Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?
From Me to Scott *******:
Ok, I find three thing may help you:
"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"
- Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?
From Me to Scott *******:
"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:
1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"
I hope this help!
- Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?
From Me to Scott *******:
Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:
"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:
1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again
If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."
I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.
- Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf? does it really say that?
From Me to Scott *******:
I just translate what you give.
From Scott ******* to Me:
no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?
From Me to Scott *******:
Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?
From Scott ******* to Me:
did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one
From Me to Scott *******:
That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!
From Scott ******* to Me:
..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass
Later, from another email account
From Me to *********@*********.org:
Hey there,
I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?
From Me to Scott *******:
You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?
From Me to Scott *******:
Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?
From Me to Scott *******:
Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
yea i did that. nothing. is that it?
From Me to Scott *******:
Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.
Mike
From Me to Scott *******:
Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?
FACEBOOK
This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook
GANGSTER NUMBER 1
These are pics from a Chinese Gangster who was killed and someone found his phone.
GANGSTER NUMBER 1
These are pics from a Chinese Gangster who was killed and someone found his phone.
GOLDMAN SACHS
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.
MD#1: Never forget... Hope is a poor hedge.
[UK] #1: The gold that Germany stole from Greece during WW2 would more than cover their current obligations. #2: Come off it, mate.
#1: He doesn't know shit about high yield bond covenants. Seriously, that would be like Tom Cruise talking about vaginas.
#1: It says a lot about the 99% when my doorman is in the 1%. #2: Along with the bathroom attendant at '21' Club.
#1: I don't need coffee. #2: Good for you, man. (#1 exits) #3: Fuckin' douchebag.
Skirt#1: She always tells me that she loves my outfit. Skirt#2: That means she hates it.
#1: You know you're getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
#1: Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
#1: Girls with huge boobs will never know if they're really interesting.
#1: The best pick up line is cocaine.
PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK
Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...
HUBBLE
A small selection of some of the best pics taken from the Hubble Telescope.
I'M LOVIN' IT
Different McDonald's from around the world
FAIL
A short collection of FAILS from the week
SPACEDICKS
God help us. A collection of what the net is actually good for... Fucked up shit in all its forms
SPACEDICKS
God help us. A collection of what the net is actually good for... Fucked up shit in all its forms
JOKES
My parents have gone to India with some friends.
Mumbai?
No, she's straight, but I don't think it's that kind of trip anyway.
I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to try my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon.
Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.
Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.
Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous...
Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.
I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."
"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"
"Ever what?" she replied.
"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"
"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.
I said, "Don't you ever shut the fuck up?"
My parents have gone to India with some friends.
Mumbai?
No, she's straight, but I don't think it's that kind of trip anyway.
I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to try my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon.
Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.
Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.
Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous...
Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.
I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."
"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"
"Ever what?" she replied.
"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"
"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.
I said, "Don't you ever shut the fuck up?"
VIDEOS
ROCK OUT THIS WEEKEND
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