http://twitter.com/TherapySession2
Tweet
50 Fucking sessions! Here it is. To keep shit simple, we have put 50 of each section in. Have a good Easter and to you Muslimites out there, no Easter eggs for you, bad arab!
Enjoy
SONG OF THE DAY
A good Christian Song for all you Godd fearing folk this Easter! Parise Bob!
PICS
If you can't see the image properly, click on it
.jpg)
GIFS
If the GIF isn't moving, click on it
AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!
FACEBOOK
This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook
GOLDMAN SACHS
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.
#1: Thanks Fredo. #2: Fuck you, man. I'm Michael.
[UK] #1 (on the way to the pub): Sometimes the only solution is lots and lots of booze.
#1: Nothing says 10th man on the deal team like using a Blackberry on a treadmill. #2: I leave mine on my desk. #1: Strong.
#1: Yo, will you grab me a grande pumpkin spice latte. #2: No, but I'll get you a latte.
A#1: If a girl doesn't respond to my texts immediately, I lose interest. A#2: I don't even have time to meet girls.
#1 (smugly): My Mom always said I was 'one-in-a-million.' #2: So, that means there are 7,000 people just like you.
#1: Whenever I see an interracial couple, I always think to myself "Hey, there's an interracial couple."
[Trading Floor] #1: How long before somebody dies in Zuccotti? #2: I'll make a market at 27-32 days. $20 a day. #1: Yours. #OWS
[2 young skirts discussing Kim Kardashian in lobby] #1: Jennifer Aniston would love to be married for 72 days. (Both laugh)
#1: Groupon works. In this economy, people aren't afraid to use coupons for sushi and pedicures. #2: Food stamps for the middle class.
#1: We're going to dress up as Wiseguys for Halloween. Flashy suits & cheap jewelry. #2: People will just think you work at Morgan Stanley.
#1: Looking good, Billy Ray. #2 (laughs): Feeling good, Louis.
#1: Anyone who thought Corzine understood risk is an idiot. #2: Remember his car crash in '07. No seat belt. Going 90 MPH. #1: Retarded.
[HK] #1: His dad is Malcolm Turnbull. #2: How else would he get a job here? #3: He doesn't shut up about Harvard. #1 (laughs): Or 'models.'
#1: Right after comp, I bet a bunch of SSG's key guys quit for the buy-side. #2: Jason Brown also? #1: Well, McGoldrick has no complaints.
1: I went as the mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials. But people assumed I was a banker-who-got-his-ass-kicked. #HalloweenFail
#1: With their liberal arts degrees, you'd think these protesters could make better signs. #2 (laughs): Hence 'unemployed.'
1: We're thinking about sending a few cases of Wild Turkey to Zuccotti & then watching the chaos on TV from the comfort of my couch.
[classic] #1: Riding the subway reminds me why I am pro-choice.
#1: How did we go from 'sexy boots' to 'lesbian boots' weather in less than a week?
#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I'd rather be sad in here than freezing my ass off in Zuccotti Park. #2: Money buys happiness.
#1: Karaoke'd God Bless America and almost started a riot. #2: Fuckin' 99 percenters.
#1: He's the kind of asshole that probably has every season of 'Entourage' on DVD.
#1: Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Skirt #1: It really hurts my feelings when an ugly guy hits on me.
[HK] Gweilo #1: It's pretty amazing how many people in Chengdu say their name is Ross, Rachel, Chandler, or Monica.
#1: It's comical how all of these protesters are coordinating and tweeting from their Apple iPhones.
#1: Someone should tell her that muffin that has more calories than a Big Mac. #2: No way, dude. You'd probably get in trouble for that.
#1: I'm wearing my suit with a name-tag that says "1%." #Halloween
A#1: Alcohol won’t solve your problems. A#2: Tofu and yoga won't solve yours.
#1: Every disaster movie has a black guy as President to save the day. #2: And now when we get a real disaster, look what happens.
1: Whenever I see a white girl holding hands with an Asian guy, I get the next chopper to Macau and bet big. 2: I'm the same with albinos.
#1: I don't remember reading about rapes, drug busts and child prostitution at Tea Party rallies. #OWS
#1: They shouldn't fucking forget. The top 1% pays more than 40% of the taxes. So we bailed us out. #OWS didnt do shit.
#1: I wish I invested in poverty. It's up 60% since 2001. #2: We did.
#1: I marked 'World Series' off my bucket list last night. I obviously didn't go, I just decided that baseball sucks.
#1: Wanna stay together? Spend a lot of time apart. #RelationshipAdvice
#1: $180k for a degree in "Womyn's Studies" from Tufts. #2: And they wonder why they're sleeping in a park.
#1: I don't need gout to tell me that I live decadently. Amex does that.
#1: I always tell my Chinese clients, 'Being morally bankrupt won’t affect your credit rating.'
[Analyst World Series Drinks] #1: I hate people that drink slowly, and then look at me like I have a problem when I order another one.
#1: I still haven't figured what's better… Real boobs and a fake personality. Or the other way around. #2: Increase the sample size.
GSSG #1: Yvonne Low has a slightly different sales tactic than Emily Sim had in her prime. #2: Too bad they're both married now.
#1: You hear Brad Levy is moving to Colorado? #2: I guess pumping 22yr old interns catches up to you. #1: I'd take that trade.
#1: It's not a hangover if you're dead inside.
#1: Her entire face is a tramp stamp.
#1: We're going golfing this afternoon. Or as I like to call it, drinking.
[classic] #1: How come people on our website look like a UN convention, but our lobby looks like Greenwich Country Day? #2: (laughs) Amen.
1: But she went to a good school. 2: She transferred in. That’s like a reverse merger; you get on the exchange but w/o the same scrutiny.
#1: Giuliani says he would've cleared all the protestors out without a permit. #2: I remember when New York had a mayor.
[UK] #1 (on the way to the pub): Sometimes the only solution is lots and lots of booze.
#1: Nothing says 10th man on the deal team like using a Blackberry on a treadmill. #2: I leave mine on my desk. #1: Strong.
#1: Yo, will you grab me a grande pumpkin spice latte. #2: No, but I'll get you a latte.
A#1: If a girl doesn't respond to my texts immediately, I lose interest. A#2: I don't even have time to meet girls.
#1 (smugly): My Mom always said I was 'one-in-a-million.' #2: So, that means there are 7,000 people just like you.
#1: Whenever I see an interracial couple, I always think to myself "Hey, there's an interracial couple."
[Trading Floor] #1: How long before somebody dies in Zuccotti? #2: I'll make a market at 27-32 days. $20 a day. #1: Yours. #OWS
[2 young skirts discussing Kim Kardashian in lobby] #1: Jennifer Aniston would love to be married for 72 days. (Both laugh)
#1: Groupon works. In this economy, people aren't afraid to use coupons for sushi and pedicures. #2: Food stamps for the middle class.
#1: We're going to dress up as Wiseguys for Halloween. Flashy suits & cheap jewelry. #2: People will just think you work at Morgan Stanley.
#1: Looking good, Billy Ray. #2 (laughs): Feeling good, Louis.
#1: Anyone who thought Corzine understood risk is an idiot. #2: Remember his car crash in '07. No seat belt. Going 90 MPH. #1: Retarded.
[HK] #1: His dad is Malcolm Turnbull. #2: How else would he get a job here? #3: He doesn't shut up about Harvard. #1 (laughs): Or 'models.'
#1: Right after comp, I bet a bunch of SSG's key guys quit for the buy-side. #2: Jason Brown also? #1: Well, McGoldrick has no complaints.
1: I went as the mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials. But people assumed I was a banker-who-got-his-ass-kicked. #HalloweenFail
#1: With their liberal arts degrees, you'd think these protesters could make better signs. #2 (laughs): Hence 'unemployed.'
1: We're thinking about sending a few cases of Wild Turkey to Zuccotti & then watching the chaos on TV from the comfort of my couch.
[classic] #1: Riding the subway reminds me why I am pro-choice.
#1: How did we go from 'sexy boots' to 'lesbian boots' weather in less than a week?
#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I'd rather be sad in here than freezing my ass off in Zuccotti Park. #2: Money buys happiness.
#1: Karaoke'd God Bless America and almost started a riot. #2: Fuckin' 99 percenters.
#1: He's the kind of asshole that probably has every season of 'Entourage' on DVD.
#1: Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Skirt #1: It really hurts my feelings when an ugly guy hits on me.
[HK] Gweilo #1: It's pretty amazing how many people in Chengdu say their name is Ross, Rachel, Chandler, or Monica.
#1: It's comical how all of these protesters are coordinating and tweeting from their Apple iPhones.
#1: Someone should tell her that muffin that has more calories than a Big Mac. #2: No way, dude. You'd probably get in trouble for that.
#1: I'm wearing my suit with a name-tag that says "1%." #Halloween
A#1: Alcohol won’t solve your problems. A#2: Tofu and yoga won't solve yours.
#1: Every disaster movie has a black guy as President to save the day. #2: And now when we get a real disaster, look what happens.
1: Whenever I see a white girl holding hands with an Asian guy, I get the next chopper to Macau and bet big. 2: I'm the same with albinos.
#1: I don't remember reading about rapes, drug busts and child prostitution at Tea Party rallies. #OWS
#1: They shouldn't fucking forget. The top 1% pays more than 40% of the taxes. So we bailed us out. #OWS didnt do shit.
#1: I wish I invested in poverty. It's up 60% since 2001. #2: We did.
#1: I marked 'World Series' off my bucket list last night. I obviously didn't go, I just decided that baseball sucks.
#1: Wanna stay together? Spend a lot of time apart. #RelationshipAdvice
#1: $180k for a degree in "Womyn's Studies" from Tufts. #2: And they wonder why they're sleeping in a park.
#1: I don't need gout to tell me that I live decadently. Amex does that.
#1: I always tell my Chinese clients, 'Being morally bankrupt won’t affect your credit rating.'
[Analyst World Series Drinks] #1: I hate people that drink slowly, and then look at me like I have a problem when I order another one.
#1: I still haven't figured what's better… Real boobs and a fake personality. Or the other way around. #2: Increase the sample size.
GSSG #1: Yvonne Low has a slightly different sales tactic than Emily Sim had in her prime. #2: Too bad they're both married now.
#1: You hear Brad Levy is moving to Colorado? #2: I guess pumping 22yr old interns catches up to you. #1: I'd take that trade.
#1: It's not a hangover if you're dead inside.
#1: Her entire face is a tramp stamp.
#1: We're going golfing this afternoon. Or as I like to call it, drinking.
[classic] #1: How come people on our website look like a UN convention, but our lobby looks like Greenwich Country Day? #2: (laughs) Amen.
1: But she went to a good school. 2: She transferred in. That’s like a reverse merger; you get on the exchange but w/o the same scrutiny.
#1: Giuliani says he would've cleared all the protestors out without a permit. #2: I remember when New York had a mayor.
FAIL
A short collection of FAILS from the week
COMIC STRIP
JOKES
My Thai wife has been eating a lot of pineapples recently.
Well I'm assuming she has, because her semen tastes great.
You never realise what you've got till it's gone.
Toilet paper being a good example.
After winning the lottery I thought, the first thing I'm going to do is fill my car with fuel.
Then that dream was shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners.
My wife tells me she only enjoys sex when it's like my DVD of 'Pussy Pounders 2'.
Which unfortunately, is round at my mate's house.
My wife came in screaming and crying, "I was raped on the way to the chip shop."
I said, "So you haven't got me anything then?"
Isn't it amazing how in different countries we have different words for the same thing.
Like sports shoes.
In the UK they are called 'Trainers' as they are worn when you are training.
In Ireland they are called 'Runners' as they are worn when you are running.
And in America, they are called 'Sneakers' for when you are sneaking to the fridge.
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.
"That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a fucking nutcase."
My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.
My son moaned, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."
I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack.
Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute.
My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...
She failed to worship me.
VIDEOS
HAPPY EASTER
http://twitter.com/TherapySession2
Tweet
No comments:
Post a Comment