Session 49

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Here we are again, almost 50 bloody sessions in the bag and no signs of stopping. We're still slightly drunk here at Therapy Session HQ and we have to go on a boat today which is gonna hurt so sit back, relax an enjoy...

SONG OF THE DAY

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AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!

OLD AND NEW

Impressive collection of old photos in new photos! I know that didn't just make sense, so stop reading and start watching

DON'T EVEN REPLY

Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad: 
36" RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. very heavy. first with $50 gets it. no phone- email only. 



From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hey there,

I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I'll call you for directions.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?

From Me to Steve *****:

Sounds good. I'll be over in a few hours.

Thanks,

Mike

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, I'm on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I'll wait for your instructions.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.

From Me to Steve *****:

Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don't see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.

From Me to Steve *****:

Uh...I turned around and I'm still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I'm at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT

From Me to Steve *****:

I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn't 100 intersect with 113? I'm just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy

From Me to Steve *****:

This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?

From Me to Steve *****:

I think I'm on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

dude why the FUCK would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A FUCKING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!

From Me to Steve *****:

Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn't anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a fucking GPS if you are this bad with directons

From Me to Steve *****:

Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

how the fuck is that my fault!?

From Me to Steve *****:

Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won't be able to talk to you after this.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

are you fucking with me? im sorry dude but you are a fucking idiot and im done dealing withyou



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EPILOGUE - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
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From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I'm getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don't know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

listen up you stupid fuckhead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got fucking lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a fucking idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you fucking crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a fucking dipshit that cant follow directons so fuck the fuck off and never email me again!!!!

oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A FUCKING MORON

FACEBOOK

This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook

GOLDMAN SACHS

Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.

A#1: We worked late and then went out for steak dinner. I got fucking killed in credit card roulette. $14,400. ED#1: You'll live.

1: A guy yells at me, 'Bankers have no imagination to actually create & make money.' 2: At least you don't have to imagine having money

#1: I'd never hire anyone that wears a Hublot to an interview. #2: Or a college kid in a Hermes tie.

#1: I asked him what his life goal is, and he said 'to make the obituary in The Economist.' #2: Great answer. #hired

#1: Apparently, the world population will reach 7 billion in the next few days. #2: Whats that multiplied by 0.01? (Laughs)

A#1: I'm sympathetic to a jobs crisis. But most people I see outside don't look suited for ANY job. A#2: Let's go get fucked up.

#1: The HK-LHR night flight w/ a few drinks and a Xanax is the only time I ever get 8+ hours of sleep. So yeah, I love coming to London.

#1: When I walked in, I nodded at the lone Asian protester. Life probably didn't work out quite as he planned when he was at Berkeley.

1: Since we're villainized as banksters, future rappers will take names like John Mack'n or Lloyd Blank-Firin'. 2: Mike Milky. Old school.

#1: Alec Baldwin is despicable. #2: He fits my vision of a Macy's menswear salesman with a coke habit.

PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK

Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...

WEATHER GIRLS
I think those pesky Arabs could learn a thing or two from Mexican weather girls

UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL
Up close images of small animals having lunch

FAIL

A short collection of FAILS from the week

THE PHILOSORAPTER VS MICHAEL BUBLE

Lets hope the the raptor wins or else we will be hving insightful quotes from Buble every week from here on out!!!

COMIC STRIP

JOKES

Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.




"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.

"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.





If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.




A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.





I just got robbed at the petrol station. It's getting real bad over here. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.





Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"

"No, that's okay."

"Great, take these to table six then."






My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.






My wife was furious with me the other day.

I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

VIDEOS

ENJOY THE WEATHER THIS WEEKEND

  

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