Session 46

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So here's the crack. Here at Therapy Sessions HQ, we're sometimes a little behind the times when it comes to shit, this session being no exception. We have a load of SOPA stuff this week which was.... last years news but fuck off and enjoy it! If you don't like it you can always leave your computer and get a life after all!

Enjoy...

SONG OF THE DAY

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AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!

DON'T EVEN REPLY

Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad: 
Looking for someone with chicken pox or shingles to expose to my two children. If you are still contagious and want to help, email or call ***-***-*****.

From Me to ************@***********.org

Hello,

I saw your ad and realized I could help. I have shingles right now, and the doctors tell me that it is still in the contagious stage. I live in South Bend. I would be able to visit your kids, or if you want to bring them to me, that works too. I took some sick days off from my job, so I am pretty much free any time.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Mike thank you so much! I want my kids to be exposed before they have to go back to school so I would like to do this ASAP. How does tomorrow sound?

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

Tomorrow works for me. How do we do this? Do I just sneeze and cough on your kids or something?

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Hi Mike,

They should just be in your presence for a few minutes. Where in South Bend are you located? I can drive to you. Do you have a number you can be reached at?

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I do have a phone, but I only have like 10 minutes left on my plan until September, and I need those minutes for ordering pizza. Lets just continue via e-mail. I live in LaSalle Park, are you familiar with it?

Also, it probably isn't a big deal, but I figured it is worth mentioning that I also have pulmonary tuberculosis right now. I hope this won't be a problem. It is probably better for your kids to get that out of the way too - it can be a real pain when you are older.

What time do you want to meet tomorrow?

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

I don't want my kids to have TB. Thank you for trying to help but I am going to find someone else.

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you away with that. Pulmonary TB isn't that bad, and it is best if your kids get it over with when they are younger. You may as well knock it out at the same time as the chicken pox.

If you want, I can throw in malaria for an extra $50. My friend Tom just got back from Africa and I can have him come over and give it to your kids as well. He got all sorts of whacky diseases when he was in Africa. You might want your kids to get them too, just so they won't get them later if they ever visit Africa.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Mike are you aware that TB and malaria don't work that way? People can't just "get it over with" those are very serious diseases.

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I think I know how TB works, I have it (duh).

I just assumed you were one of those mothers who wanted to have sick children to attract pity and attention from others. Malaria is a great way to get pity from other moms! You'll be the most talked about mother in your neighborhood. You could brag about it to all the other mothers when they are going on about their sick kids - "*sigh* life is so hard with my husband at work, and my poor son has the flu."
"Oh yeah? Well my two kids have fucking malaria. Suck it."

You'll be the envy of your whole clique of mothers.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

How rude. I want my kids to get chicken pox while they are young for the medical benefits, not for attention.

You have problems, Mike. Seek professional help immediately.

FACEBOOK

This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook

GOLDMAN SACHS

Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.

#1: His hindsight needs LASIK.

#1: "They're so washed up, people should tell their kids to go and Morgan Stanley before dinner."

#1: In New York, don't trust a banker with a pocket square. In London, it's a pinky ring... And in Asia, don't fucking trust anyone.

#1: This anti-bullying shit is retarded. I want graduates who'll survive on the trading floor, not walking lawsuits. The shit I went thru.

#1: 9 out of 10 of those protesters would trade their life for mine any day. I'm on track to retire before my sons start Little League.

#1: Lets get a sky ad: 'Take a shower. Get a job. Make some $$. Buy the shit you want. It ain't rocket science.' #2 (laughs): Totes.

#1: Who doesn't grow up wanting to work for Goldman?

#1: There should be an app that makes it more fun to do coke off an iPad

#1: I wish I could walk around with a sterilizer gun. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

#1: Who uses the Brooklyn Bridge anyway? Call me when they shut down Jean-Georges

PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK

Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...

OUR NEW PATRON

Poor old Kony getting all this bad press, if you ask my Angelina has been stealing kids from Africa for years! Anyways, here is the best the web has had to offer on the matter, and in admiration we have made him our honorary patron until Mugabe goes off on some random stint. If we're speaking Japanese and don't know why this crap is news at the moment, below is the movie which has caused such uproar!

HOT GIRLS IN DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS
Enough said really

THE 10 BEST TACO-RELATED CRIMES EVER
Yeah, we hear you, scraping the barrel a little here. We have been drunk all this week and needed something quick!

FAIL

A short collection of FAILS from the week

COMIC STRIP

JOKES

I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber.

"That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."





As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition.

"The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house."

"It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"

"It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction."

"Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."





I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.

I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'





In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.







Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK.

Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news.

VIDEOS

  

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU THIS WEEKEND

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