Friday 30 November 2012

Session 84







SESSION 84






Howdy all, welcome to another dose of computer AIDS for you to enjoy.











PICS
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GIFS
If the GIF isn't moving, hold Ctrl and click on it






















































AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!



















MAKEUP
And this is why women need to wear makeup






























DON'T EVEN REPLY
Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad: 
Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Hello,

I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone. 

I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers. 

Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your fucking ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man. 

To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw. 

So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.

From ************@verizon.net to Me: 

You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw. 

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck. 

Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.

From ************@verizon.net to Me: 

How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go fuck yourself. 


FACEBOOK
This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook























BEER CAN TOYS










AND YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH...





EVERYONE'S A THIEF

After an argument with some philistines about originality of music, we decided to collate a bunch of famous songs to show that they are all just remakes of each other no matter how original you think they are...

(Note that youtube will block most of these vids. If this is the case click on the youtube logo on the bottom right of each video to watch and compare)





























































































FAIL
A short collection of FAILS from the week





















JOKES



I'm so excited.

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas!








One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey. 

ICU baby, shaking that ass.








Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.








I've just bought the BBC advent calendar.

Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Savile abusing a child.







What's the difference between a black man and HIV?

HIV stays with the kids once they're born.








My girlfriend finally laid all her cards on the table, and told me she had an abusive father and cancer.

She always beats me at 'X-Factor Top Trumps'.


VIDEOS