Session 32

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Get your BritPod on!

So its December, the only time of year when small children sit on my knee and I don't get arrested for it! Not much to say this week apart from, if you come across any fnny pics, gifs, vids or anything xmas related and its good, send it to us at therapysessionsblog@gmx.com so we can use it in the xmas special.

Oh, if you fancy a job at GCHQ (British Inteligence) they are running a competition! First 35 people to crack the code on the link below wins a job! Not very James Bond now is it!

http://www.canyoucrackit.co.uk/

Enjoy

SONG OF THE DAY

You know its xmas time when you hear this song

PICS

If you can't see the image properly, click on it

trolling is everywhere

Don't we all

Classic

Sign me up

The gigs up

The family that shits together, stays together

Known to cause slight memory loss aparently

true

carpe diem

The good ol' days

Back in the USSR

and memory loss

Interesting

lol

nom nom nom

Damn straight

oh dear

Vote for Satan

Run mother fucker

the downfalls of adoption

I'm fucked now

A dare to think what this pussy is staring at

Eat up

slurp

I am actually making these badges up and handing them out for xmas

Shut the fuck up

AKA "Woman driver"

hoorah

keep telling yourself that!

firey

he who laughs last...

look, face, bothered

sounds about right

Kill me!

lol

dang biatch

school gets tougher every year

Great question

The woman has style

A deep question here

GIFS

If the GIF isn't moving, click on it

take that

I tried this and ended up with a conccussion

lovely

You can't beat Asian babies

try it yourself

for the win

The Ice Man strikes again

how to clean your balls

Lick the pink

looks like fun

Not necisary

The best/worse film ever

The Hamburgler is back

These shrooms are wicked

what a cock

AUTOCORRECT
A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!

DON'T EVEN REPLY

Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.

Judy

From Me to ************@**********.org

Judy,

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Mike,

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

Judy

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don't mind me asking?

From Me to Judy *******:

Not at all. It really wasn't a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he'll be playing now is "shitting in a bag" (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner's office considered it "gross misconduct" and "assault" and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be "Murderin' Mike" (don't worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I've only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won't stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

Best,

Murderin' Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

From Me to Judy *******:

Whoa there. Don't be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I've got news for you, Judy, you couldn't be more wrong. In hockey, we don't fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

I'll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I'll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They'll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the "bowling ball", where you gouge both of the opponent's eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

You aren't coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don't know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that's meant for these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh, I get it. You're saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don't deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn't fazed. I didn't see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn't what I meant. Don't pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don't give a damn about these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Judy,

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn't learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids - it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Sure - her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

Sincerely done talking to you,

Judy

FACEBOOK

This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook

LOOK-A-LIKIES
Famous people and their alter egos!

FAIL

A short collection of FAILS from the week

COMIC STRIP

JOKES

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious.
She asked me to move out with her.


Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.


I phoned the police the other day.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."


Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.


Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.


Turns out the woman on the tram in London who was arrested wasn't being a racist bigot.
She was just reading her Daily Mail out loud to her kid.


I have liver disease, caused by years of heavy drinking. My wife said I should go to BUPA, but I did the complete opposite.
I went to APUB.

VIDEOS

  

HOLY FUCKNUTS ITS DECEMBER ALREADY

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