Therapy Sessions mkii: Session 61

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Another week another session. We have been busy here at Therapy Session HQ working on bigger and better things, namely trying to polish off this bottle of whiskey we have lying around!

Have a great weekend and try to piss off at least one person this weekend.

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A collection of SMS messages that have gone slightly wrong!

DON'T EVEN REPLY

Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad:

Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Hello,

I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone.

I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers.

Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your fucking ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man.

To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw.

So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck.

Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go fuck yourself.

FACEBOOK

This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook

GOLDMAN SACHS

Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.

#1: I'm making the over/under on Walmart Black Friday deaths at 5. #2: That's about 4000 pounds of dead people.

#1: Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.

#1: The Redskins should play every Thanksgiving... And have to lose.

#1: With your Visa card, you can win Super Bowl tickets for life. #2: With my Amex, I can buy Super Bowl tickets for life.

#1: It used to be that if you could predict a market event, you could predict a market response. Now, you cant predict either.

#1: Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. #2: Thanks Socrates.

#1: If I got fired, I'd take a couple years off and sit on my ass. #2: Nelson Mandela didn't do shit for like 25 years.

#1: I don't care how into the environment she says she is. No chick wants to be picked up in a Chevy Volt.

#1: What do you say when a market window slams in your face? #2: I don't know, what? #1: YELP!...

#1: I spent a week on the road seeing buy-side custies. All very smart guys. #2: And? #1: Pretty clear consensus. We're so fucked.

PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK

Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...

FAIL

A short collection of FAILS from the week