Therapy Sessions mkii: Session 67

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Therapy Sessions is in Poland this week for a wedding and to get away from the Olympics, so sorry we are late but go get AIDS and die especially you Andy you complaining arsehole!

Enjoy...

SONG OF THE DAY

PICS

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GIFS

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WOULD A ROSE SMELL SO SWEET, IF CALLED BY ANOTHER

COOL ILLUSIONS

DON'T EVEN REPLY

Below is the transcript of an email conversation with someone who placed an online advert on Craiglist

Original ad:

No strings attached - dinner wine whatever?

I am a nice woman just looking for a good time. Come over and drink and we can watch a movie and see where it goes from there ;)

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey!

I live in the area and am also looking for a good time with no strings attached. I am a 37 year old man who just likes having some fun. How about you come over and we watch a movie and have some wine? You down?

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

Hi mike! Of course I am down for some fun ;) Do you have any pics of yourself?

From Karen ******** to Me:

Mike are you still there? I havent heard from you!

From Me to Karen ********:

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND.

From Karen ******** to Me:

umm...what?

From Me to Karen ********:

YOU HEARD ME, YOU WHORE. THIS IS MIKE'S WIFE. HE DIDN'T TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED, DID HE, YOU FUCKING SLUT!

From Karen ******** to Me:

huh I swear he didn't say anything about that! I'm sorry! I won't write again!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

It is Mike. What the hell did you say to my wife? She found out about us! She is packing her stuff and talking about a divorce. What did you do?!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I responded to YOUR email that's it! Maybe you shouldn't let your wife check your email! Lastly there is no "us"! I wouldn't screw around with a married man! Shame on you for cheating on your wife!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you about my wife. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Now I managed to calm my wife down. She was willing to hear my side of the story. I told her you were an old girlfriend from high school that was still obsessed with me, and I was trying to get rid of you. She believes me, but she wants to kick your ass. Would you be able to come over here and let my wife kick your ass? Don't worry, she doesn't hit that hard. Just pretend it hurts. I'll give you $20 if you can do this for me.

Please help me out here!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

why would you tell her that!!!!! just be honest and accept what you did!! no I wont go over there to get beat up are you out of your mind????

From Me to Karen ********:

Please Karen! If she divorces me, I am screwed. I made the mistake of not signing a prenuptial agreement when we got married, and now she is talking about taking everything! She even wants to take my Plasma TV! That TV is my world. It is like a son to me. Please don't let her do this. Just come over and let her kick your ass. Do it for me, Karen.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm sorry but this is not my fault at all. I can't help you.

From Me to Karen ********:

Fuck. Well are you still down for a good time with dinner and a movie?

From Karen ******** to Me:

absolutely not.

From Me to Karen ********:

So you ruin my life, and now you won't even go out on a date with me? Thanks a lot, Karen. Next time why don't you add "WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" next to your personal ad?

FUCKING AROUND WITH SIGNS

FACEBOOK

This week's best and worse from the world of Facebook

GOLDMAN SACHS

Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. It takes a certain type of person to thrive at GS. Here is an insight to what the 1% think.

#1: It's somewhat forgotten nowadays. But in hindsight, Enron wasn't really that big a deal.

#1: LinkedIn is the http://match.com of the underemployed.

#1: Did you forget your belt today? #2: I don't need one; did you forget to get your suit tailored?

[London] #1: Definitely gay. His 'EBITDA' sounds more like 'Ibiza.'

[Trading floor] MD#1 (gives intern $20): Get me a skinny latte and whatever you want. And ask her to give you a frappy ending.

#1: I don't understand all those Olympic tattoos. It's not like I have a Goldman Sachs tattoo.

#1: Life is like a game of chess. I never want to be black.

[200W Lobby] A#1: New Daytona. Nice! A#2: Money is only something you need if you don't die tomorrow. [Bumps fist]

#1: The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.

#1: I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

PHILOSOPHY OF THE WEEK

Here's the deal. There is a dude on YouTube called Jay Herrod who's life mission is to upload weird videos of himself giving the world advice. Here is this weeks...

REAL ACCIDENT REPORTS

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

Car Accidents:

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Other Accidents:

"My finger hit the band saw, damaging it."
Insurance Form Anecdotes:

In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

FAIL

A short collection of FAILS from the week

SPACEDICKS
God help us. A collection of what the net is actually good for... Fucked up shit in all its forms

JOKES

The IOC has claimed that they will catch Olympic drug cheats.

I'm not so sure - they're pretty fucking fast.

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his crappy Punjabi music at the top of his voice.

He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.

I smiled back at him, "Yes," I replied, as I put them up my nostrils.

My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said.

It's good to see the system's working.